Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
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“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!