I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
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Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.