A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
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I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin