From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
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My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
j o i m p
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.