There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
You Might Also Like
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Noah
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.