Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
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[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific