[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
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Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
[the middle of showering] I need a break
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.