Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
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*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay