date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
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[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight