My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
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Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL