Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
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I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪