I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
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They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.