14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
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FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.