*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
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*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
It’s actually Dr. whatever
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.