My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
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i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Great game to play with friends
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
i’m sure it’s fine
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
A customer told me they were never coming back….
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.