One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
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Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol