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Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?