What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
You Might Also Like
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol