Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
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My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.