[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
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the chicken was already gone when I got here
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
we’re dead?
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory