I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
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Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
This fish is cracking me up
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order