14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
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ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Looking at you, Jesus.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.