I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
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Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Cat.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo