Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
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My wife had a tick on her. It wasn鈥檛 attached though. The whole thing was very zen
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE鈥橲 FRIEND: she鈥檚 eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That鈥檚 how numbers work
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Him: 馃幎 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 馃幎
Her: Please don鈥檛 sing to it when you are down there
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
My favorite female superhero
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That鈥檚 not the entire expression?
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.