cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
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[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.