Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
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Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.