Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
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*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh