Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
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Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Story of my life…..
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do