Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
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People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Meanwhile in Canada…
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.