According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
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The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
When I snag the last meatball.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*