*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
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Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
oh my gosh!!
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
just leave it at the foot of the bed
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.