If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
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Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
man: wait
time: no
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
I’m aging like a fine banana
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
relationship goals
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
I am also baked goods
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.