You Might Also Like
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Wait a minute
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
i want to work in this restaurant
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.