casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
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What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.