I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
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What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
hey, alexa
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.