Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
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Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Why soy sad?
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today