Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
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Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Isn’t
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
me irl
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Every damn time
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote