Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
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Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
I have a new favorite meme page
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut