I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
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If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?