I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
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I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.