me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
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Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Leonardo DiCaprisun
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Autocarrot sucks!
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.