I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
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So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
how much for the angry fruit?
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs