[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
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yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Wait a minute
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?