[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
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I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.