I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
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A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Cats are still liquid.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table