Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
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Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
I came this close!!!!
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]