If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
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Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Jail
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Livid.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Going to church you guys need anything
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.