Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
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My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever