*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
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I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again