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Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
The clinic wonβt give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Hereβs your white gown
andβ You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
βThatβs an interesting take,β I say not listeningly.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.β
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
ravioli cooking instructions are always like βbring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they donβt like thrifted baths.β
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, itβs getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: ππππ I Dont know guys, leave me alone π